Tuesday, November 15, 2016

11/15/11

Back from the dead, eh? I don't know, I'm just writing something. It's been over 5 years since I last made a post here, and much of my outlook on life is still the same, but much more developed. Though I must say, I was very insightful for a teenager, but some of the things that I'd said made little to no sense or were worded terribly.

Five years later, I'm hardly much better in terms of my mental state. I talked about a "mistake" that I'd made that caused things in my life to change. This mistake was drug use and it's immediate toll on my mind. I went insane almost instantly after beginning to smoke pot, and then I ended up trying mushrooms that same summer. It was a hell of a daze, that's for sure. I was completely reborn that summer and I have never been quite the same as I was before. The fact that just weed alone caused drug induced psychosis at first just goes to show that I had some issues present already, and it was brought out by this. However after those few months that I'd even continued smoking pot, it got better even after I'd continued using it (and I still do from time to time - still fine). I'd even say in the long run this was a good thing, but I digress.

I'll be 23 next month, and I was 17 writing those blogs. Time went by really fast, and a lot of the things I had discussed are coming true. I still do have unimaginable talent and can change the world, and in my now adult life, I search for love to compensate for the joy of childhood that has been lost. But music is a great source of that joy. I'm about to enter my senior year in college, having just signed up for my classes today. I really don't know what my future holds, but I know one thing: I will look back at this particular blog post some years from now and remember it the way I remembered those from 2011. I don't know if I'm going to make any more from here, but just this one will be nice to look back on. Today was a profound day for me, and it's led me to decide to make decisions coming up that will have an even more profound effect on me. There is something new I can hide in out there, and I'm going to find it.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

8/25/11

What is true happiness? Everyone's opinion on true happiness is different. We all have a different outlook on life, a different personality, and a different brain. No one is even close to the same, and that's one thing we must accept in our lives. There is not always going to be someone out there who can get along with us, who can understand us, or who can treat others with respect.

Stress is the problem. If we all didn't have stress, we would be brought together happily. Having to worry about things is what makes our youth so violent. They drown in problems that they wish they could change, but since they know that they cannot change things, they just do whatever they can to get by in life. At the moment, I don't know what I've done to myself. I have got myself into a point in my life that I didn't think I would ever be in. I pondered a whole lot, and in the last few months my outlook on life has changed in ways that I cannot explain.

In a good way? A bad way? I cannot tell. I learned a lot from what has been happening, I benefited more than I lost. But I don't know what would happen had I not made the "mistake" that I did months ago. I honestly think that I dwell on the bad side of life too much whenever anything goes remotely wrong. There is nothing for me to worry about right now in life, but I feel as though I've lost myself. I feel as though I've lost contact with the good memories in my life. They are so distant, yet so far. Is there anything I can do? No, there is not... So why bother pondering about it? If I was a careless person, nothing would bother me... Maybe that's one thing I have to change. We can all change, whether we think we can or not. Take it from someone who once contemplated suicide every day, before realizing I had serious talent... Talent to change the world in ways unimaginable. Ways in which no one can match. Everything is fine... I have nothing to worry about. I am approaching my final year in high school, and I am ready for my childhood to end...

I want any of you to think deeply about all of the mistakes you think you have made, and how they have positively affected who you are today. Learning lessons is what you must do in life, for that is what life is all about... Learning something new every single day...

Every day is different... every day, you must make a new start.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

8/17/11

It only makes so much more sense to me, my last post. People can really get in your way and irritate you, even the ones you almost trust. I hate arrogance and ignorance, they are the absolute worst qualities that a person can have. I really just don't understand the mentality of some people. Every person is SO much different in this world, but why can't every person just have a thought process? Why are some people so thick headed? Why do I feel as though I'm alone here? Eh... there's no reason to worry. Life is just like that, it can't be explained. We cannot question anything, and this especially goes for people.

Now the ultimate question I could EVER ask... what is reality? I used to think I knew what a normal life was, but before I knew it, it was as though I was living in a bubble. All of the colors of the world instead of dying off, simply mixed and created a disastrous mixture which could not be described by anyone. When will this end...? Perhaps I'm just so angry right now, that I simply cannot think. This has happened to me only a handful of times in the last 15 or so years that I can remember anything. Life is... really strange for me.

Eh, it'll do.

Monday, August 15, 2011

8/15/11

At this point I don't know what to say... I often make mistakes, and then in a matter of minutes I realize the mistake that I've made. I live too on the edge, I put myself in harms way all the time without thinking. Any day now, it could all end. But this so called "demise" is split into two categories... My life, or my LIFE. Either one of them I would rather not have. Or perhaps I would rather have the latter? I'll stay as vague as I have to, because no matter what you can't understand.

At the end of the day, do we really want people in our lives? Or do we want to discover, and/or do what it is that we like to do? Being alone can either be frightening, or helpful to your work. Think about people in relationships with children. They have to adjust to an entirely different lifestyle. When you are the kid with the parents, you don't realize all of the things your parents have went through raising you. The only reason they are tolerant for it is because they love you... at least most of the time. Otherwise you would be beaten to a bloody pulp for spilling a gnat sized droplet of milk on the carpet. What am I trying to get at here? I'm trying to say, there's nothing wrong with wanting to live without complication. People cause complication to our lives every day no matter what we do. Why do you think there are so many shut-ins in this world? Unfortunately, shut-ins aren't the smartest types of people, most generally at least.

The point is, if you are someone who needs people in your life, then you will have to cope with pain many times. Love is a gift, but if a loved one dies, it's enough to make the happiest man become suicidal. Good things can lead to consequences. Everything happens because your fate is determined from the day of your birth. When you die, you die. You were meant to die no matter what, because there is no way it could have been stopped. You cannot disrupt something that has already happened, therefore it cannot changed or could never have been changed. Living a simple life without having to deal with people is a life worth living. If you want a relationship, go ahead. Just be prepared for the challenges. You may or may not want kids, but in my opinion people only go looking for love because they have nothing else to live for. Why else would it make adults so happy, while it doesn't effect a teenager at all? Most say that teenagers just don't understand love... Bullshit. They just don't care because they know that there is so much to look forward to in life. At least until they realize it sucks to be an adult.

Just stay a kid at heart, and keep all of your childhood memories and interests with you until the day you die.

Friday, August 12, 2011

8/12/11

Well if you are reading this, then you must have somehow seen a comment on a blog somewhere. I highly doubt I will be letting anyone see this, why would they even want to...?

Well anyway, I'm approaching my Senior year in High School. The time passed much quicker than I expected. It's funny to think about how psychotic I was during my first two years of High School, I have a hard time believing I'm the same person that I once was. That is the entirety of my past, I don't think anyone's could possibly have been as strange as mine. Hell, my life is still pretty damn strange, and I'm one strange guy too. But you know what? I don't care. I don't care how psychotic I am at times, I think it adds color to my already scattered personality. I wouldn't want to trade places with someone else even for a second.

You know, I've gradually become interested in cartoons. As a kid, I loved cartoons just as much as the next. It wasn't until my later years of adolescence (I'm still 17 now, so I'm still considered "adolescent") that I began to really see why each cartoon of my childhood was brilliant. The one in particular was Ren & Stimpy. I decided to watch a few episodes, and the way I saw animation after that was instantly changed forever. My memories of this show in my childhood are vague. I watched more at age 11, loving the show. I still didn't see how brilliant it was though. The animation in Ren & Stimpy, mixed with the psychotic personality of Ren, really opened my eyes. I have a very wild and distorted imagination, and at young ages I would often write cartoons and comics. The stories overall were really different, but the drawing itself was poor. I wouldn't consider myself a natural artist, but when I'm determined to become good at something, I almost ALWAYS become good. That is what I want to happen with drawing cartoons. I never thought I would be this interested in cartoons, but I want to take advantage of this distorted imagination to try and make something good. When it comes to making a story, that's what I'm brilliant at. Then again, it's not hard to sit around and think of random shit for cartoon characters to do. Drawing, animating, and voicing are the three talents that make up Ren & Stimpy creator, John Kricfalusi. If I could somehow contact him personally, I would. The only contact information I ever found was from a website where you can request autographs. Okay, seriously... autographs? I'll never ask someone for an autograph. Asking for an autograph is basically saying "Hey, you're better than me". What is the value of a signature? Even if I were to contact this guy, let alone any "celebrity", I'm not going to try and make a good impression of myself. I don't care if someone is famous, they aren't getting treated any differently. That's just the way it is for me.

Well, that about wraps up what I have on my mind for today. It's funny how no matter what, no one can truly know WHO you are. With that, stressing anything about my personality is a waste of time, but hey... you don't mind, because why would you be reading this?